As I rewatched one of my favorite tv shows growing up, "Girlfriends," I realized I was more of a Joan as an adult than the Toni I thought I was as a child. Toni was my representation on screen because she was a beautiful, confident, chocolate girl like myself with a pinch of sassiness….

But when it comes to relationships?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Joan Clayton, even down to the three-month rule.
I had a Sean, Chris, Ellis, Brock, Aaron, even a William...But without the senior partnership position at a giant law firm on the West coast because then we wouldn't be having this conversation (I would've been Monica instead.) But that guy friend, whom I would've loved to have been with but knowing overstepping that wouldn't be the best decision for either of us and let’s face it, hella awkward. Aside from all that, just with a few men, I had no business with, compromising a lot, bending boundaries (okay, I’m sugarcoating it, little to no boundaries), for the sake of saving face, sacrificing my good years, and lastly, completely forgetting who the f*ck I was because I felt like I was running out of time. When it was time to leave those one-sided ordeals, at one point I believed I came out with less than what I came in with. But even then I still had a lot to learn about myself. Truthfully, those times prepared me to work on the partner I truly believed I was, but I wasn't. It showed me that I needed to do the work for me.

"PLEASE, JUST LET ME HAVE HIM BECAUSE HE WANTS ME AND AT THIS MOMENT ALL THAT I WANT TO FEEL IS WANTED."- Joan Clayton

Have you ever just wanted to feel wanted?

Whether you are a woman or a man. WE ALL HAVE.

That moment Joan and Toni shared on Joan's couch made me emotional...okay, I cried because I've been there, settling for what I know I didn't truly care for. Still, the thought of feeling wanted was worth the discomfort I truly felt inside because knowing this situation was a "dead-end" is what my intuition was screaming at me. But not even the closest ones to me could stop me from having what I wanted at that moment (not even my intuition.)

THE RIGHT KIND OF LOVE WILL FIND YOU.

Granted, I'm no expert on how love works or doesn't work. But with the experience that I do have on dating, relationships, and situationships with a pinch of "doing relationship-like things" sprinkled over like parsley, I think I have an idea. It isn't like anything I’ve ever experienced. It doesn't come with me lowering my standards for the sake of it. It doesn't go with me feeling like I'm walking on eggshells, hoping the next thing I say isn't going to scare my partner off. It's me showing up for myself, it’s an extended hand of gratitude, It comes with me being able to love my partner without any restrictions. It's genuine, and filled with healthy habits on both ends, It's pouring in what I know now.

Naturally, I am a relationship kind of woman, and being out of one for quite some time has helped me realize I DON'T NEED A MAN TO BE HAPPY. “A man is an accessory, not a necessity” something I learned from my good sis Tam. My past isn't the happiest go lucky fairytale in which I'm fully aware of but it has taught me a lot and I regret nothing. It's revisiting the wounds and holding myself accountable. It more so helped me unmask some of my own personal issues that I’ve been working overtime to fix. But also it helped me realized not having a man doesn't mean I am some crazy single woman. I am just a woman who's no longer in the business of settling for whatever just to feel wanted.

In closing,

Joan isn’t just a fictional character, she resides in every woman that’s trying to find their way in this thing called love. Not to sound cliché, but be gentle with yourself, everything you need will find you but in the meantime don't allow others to determine your place in your world.