"Was already weary. Was already heavy hearted. Was already tired. Where can we be safe? Where can we be free? Where can we be black?" -Solange Knowles

Here it is 4:44 am and I am still up, Why? I just couldn't sleep... I literally been up all night... thinking, feeling beyond frustrated and just so damn angry while trying to find a way to juggle it all to keep myself from breaking down.

The things I've seen in less than 24hrs over the Internet has really taken a toll on my mind and body.

This isn't about the movement " Black Lives Matter" this is about how I feel...this about how we all feel as African Americans before "Black Lives Matter" was established.. still finding reasons to keep us labeled huh? We are all pretty much sick and tired of being sick and tired.

WE PRAY, WE PROTEST PEACEFULLY, WE MARCHED HAND AND HAND sort of like what our ancestors had to do in order to stop the killings of their lives... still, nothing has changed, nothing has worked. Progress? Since technology has been a great asset to our lives being able to see things much clearer through the lens of our cell phone cameras, I don't believe in progress. CAN ANYONE SPARE ME SOME OPTIONS? Is violence the answer? It shouldn't have to be that way...

As an African American woman, I AM TERRIFIED of being pulled over or even being somewhere where the cops are in the position to question me or others around me. Not because of any "wrongdoing" but because of my skin complexion which I have NOT asked to be in but I AM very proud to stand in and that will never change.

When will we as blacks be able to live free of fear of those who are supposed to protect us?

Why are we still being looked upon as if there's still cuffs and shackles on our hands and feet along with lynchings of black men in some southern states in 2016?

On July 5th, 2016 I came across a book called "Justice While Black" by Robbin Shipp and Nick Chiles at work. It stood out to me because well I am black and there has been a lot of injustice cases I've seen over the years to mention a few Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice, Mike Brown, Kendrick Johnson, Sandra Bland, Aiyana Jones, & that's just some that came to mind...Also because someone who's living on the other side of the system I've always wanted to know how African American prosecutors, attorneys, judges etc felt about what they do for a living. A Very great book so many great points and just so much useful information from someone who has been working as an attorney in the state of Georgia for 18 years as a black woman seeing the cases she's dealt with along with the "colorblindness" the system showed in many cases. This book is there to guide anyone ensnared in the criminal justice system unfortunately that typically goes for "African American men" in this country.

Later on that night I went to my car to get my phone and I came across this video and it was of Alton Sterling 37-year old guy from Louisiana a father of 5 was wrongfully killed by two police officers. When he was approach he was selling CD's in front of a local store in his neighborhood ( which I am pretty sure he's been selling CD's in front of there every day, most likely a well-known guy around the neighbor who's just finding a way to provide for his family not doing anything Illegally , in every black community there's always one or a few.)

There were accusations saying the reason why he was approached was because someone said the cops were notified that Alton Sterling had a gun. Even if he did have a gun why was he approach the way he was so aggressively from the start? Couldn't wrap my mind around it all what made things worst was that unfortunately, that was the LAST TIME Alton Sterling kids will ever see him again..

It's a joke for others to talk about what goes on in the black communities but every day there's a struggle, a challenge, a fight, and even clearer in America that BLACK PEOPLE have to PROVE that our lives have meaning and MATTER. There's always a ''Cause and Effect'' to every situation and this injustice system has been the CAUSE of what has EFFECT people all across this nation .

As I was writing this on ALTON STERLING less than 24 hours I than learned about PHILANDO CASTILE another black man killed in front of his girlfriend and his 4-year old daughter....by a policeman. His girlfriend LAVISH REYNOLDS went LIVE on facebook to post the video of the aftermath... NO CRIMINAL RECORD, LICENSE TO CARRY, OBEYED THE OFFICER ORDERS still wasn't enough to set him free...He was pulled over for what was suppose to be a tail light into them being accused of being the two suspects of a robbery 12 miles away from where they were pulled over. When the officer saw that child in the backseat he should've just backed off! Even with Philando holding himself trying to stop the bleeding the officer still was pointing the gun in his face as if he still was THREATEN by Philando.....when will it stop? when will it end my prayers goes out to both of those families no one deserved what either of those guys experienced...

It's been seven days since I decided to finish this because I literally felt uninspired, mentally a wreck, physically weak and I just couldn't stop crying because I can't believe with everything we face on daily bases we mean nothing to others...

DEAR AMERICA,

BLACK MEN LIVES MATTER, BLACK WOMEN LIVES MATTER, BLACK CHILDREN LIVES MATTER, & ALSO BLACK LESBIANS, GAYS, BISEXUALS, AND TRANSGENDERS LIVES MATTER TOO.

STOP KILLING US! - SINCERELY ALL BLACK LIVES.