I attempted to write this is my notes, but it didn't allow me too. I thought, maybe it's a sign... or maybe it's fear tryin' to control shit like it usually does in my life, but today I woke up and said ''NOT TODAY..''

I know, I haven't been writing, and it isn't because of ''inconsistency''. It was because I felt like I let a situation cripple my voice. I felt completely voiceless, but then again I had to remind myself that I am human and that it's completely okay to feel.. even the NUMBNESS. I wanted to write this piece because I am sure I'm not the only woman who's been through this or have encountered a much similar situation...I had to step away from writing and make as much space as possible for my sanity and while doing that time has allowed me to create freely. I named this piece ''Case of the EX'' because that song represents this situation perfectly and who doesn't love a song about not putting up with EXES and side chicks? Can I take you guys back a bit? Cool.

I met him a few years back at an event in a garden full of musicians and a bunch of other creative collectives like myself. His friend that knew me from Instagram introduced me to him and the other guys he was with. (Y'ALL WHEN I SAY HIS FRIEND WAS GASSIN' ME LOL) He's a real one. If you don't know me, I am a very social butterfly, and since they were all new faces to me, we had an open conversation. When he spoke in particular, I heard no one else speak. It was like he spoke in a language in which caught my interest. I didn't come looking for anyone, but before I left that event I knew that I WANTED HIM...I recall asking the Universe for him that day.

The truth is, I didn't even have his damn number lol. After that day I said damn, I'll probably never see him again but then again came quicker than I expected it to. OKAYYYYY Universe I see you boo! Ha.

SHOOT YOUR SHOT, SIS!

The Coffee Shop had their end of summer cookout, and there he was. I made it my business to go where he was to say ''HI." Yup, Roz ''shot her shot'' in a tube dress that complimented my melanin and hugged my body well. This time I knew who his friends were so it was cool. His girl best friend and I knew each other from College, so we were taking photos and catching up. I told her to send the photos to me. She said wait ''I don't have your number''. He stepped in and said ''I don't have your number either''.. it wasn't the smoothness.. but he got them digits tho. Lol.

I didn't expect anything serious to happen between him and me, but I knew I was interested in learning more about him. Yes, we both were young, but I knew for a fact that I had much more on my plate than he did.

We linked up at my place a few weeks after the event, he didn't expect to come in, and that was a plus for me, we stayed outside, laughed and made conversation for hours.

In the direction that the conversation was going I asked him why was he here, was it to build or just to be present, you know, taking up space and shit.. (something I didn't have time for.) He said ''First, there has to be a BLUEPRINT then we can build from there.'' Y'ALL, he became my man that night. (unofficially but in my mind). *cuts off boy toy completely.

FAST FORWARD TO THE NEXT YEAR.

One day we were just chilling, and he needed to make a phone call, but he couldn't get service, so I gave him my phone then I got on his phone and acted as if I was on Snapchat, but I didn't...(yes, you probably guessed it.) I went through his messages. I wanted to see if he was who he said he was (as my therapist would say ''meaning, although everything was good I still didn't trust him''. and to think I was paying her to be on my side..) If you don't take anything else from this, take that going through each other's phones is a sign of toxic behavior which is something no relationship needs. It fuels the wrong kind of energy even if you think you aren't.)

I saw this unfamiliar name, so I opened the text message. They both exchanged ''Happy New Years'', it was at reasonable hours, so it wasn't a big deal than the next thing she said was ''Can I tell you something?'' My heart dropped after I read what she said...

Instantly, I thought to myself what did I get myself into? Her words struck me like a knife. They spoke on it briefly, and then she went on about how she's too young and wasn't ready for that ''lifestyle'' no way. I guess that was her way of trying to lighten up the conversation after that dark turn. She then said can I ask you a question? ''If you and her weren't together do you think we could give it another chance?'' WAIT, DID THIS CHICK JUST......

He explained to her that they couldn't because he was tired of the back and forth and that he was happy with me. (I CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.)

I didn't tell him the moment I saw what I did because of the way he handled himself. He respected me, at that moment he respected what we had. But on the other hand so many thoughts were going through my head. So many messages sent through my body. For the very first time since I've known him, we spoke about his past and how he felt about that particular situation. I was pretty sure that he didn't talk to anyone about what I'd brought to his attention because we all know how guys are when it comes to situations like this but that wasn't a habit I intended on encouraging. I didn't want him to keep that bottle in and I sure as hell didn't want to either. So, although I shouldn't have gone through his phone, it turned out to be a good thing at that moment. I was happy to know that it didn't affect us...Well at least not at that moment it didn't.

Months went by and still, her words stuck to me, I couldn't just let that shit go. I mean what woman would? Part of me wanted him to find this girl and give her the closure that she obviously was seeking, but then I thought, closure is a fucking lie. Especially when the other person is still in love, she clearly wasn't looking for a friendship there was no denying that.

EX'S CAN'T BE FRIENDS UNLESS BOTH PARTIES ARE IN HEALTHY SPACES IN THEIR LIVES...

It has nothing to do with having ''someone else''. It has everything to do with being ''WHOLE'' self. Knowing that you can communicate with that person from time to time knowing there are no strings, no ''what if's'' or buts. This part isn't just for women because men do it too. After seeing and feeling the way that I did I still didn't fully tell him to end communication with her. I didn't want it to seem like I was controlling the situation. I had already felt guilty for going through his phone, but eventually, I found myself feeding this situation way more than what I should have. It even got to a point where I told him that I didn't care if they spoke, as long as I didn't see it...I basically told him it was okay to be one way in my face and behind my back someone else I didn't approve of I allowed those doors to stay open.. until I had enough...but maybe it was already too late.

MERCURY BROUGHT RETROGRADE INTO APRIL ALONG WITH THIS CHICK FROM HARLEM I HELPED DUG UP.

Out of town on his second business trip into the new year. We were texting around 11:30ish (playfully) I asked, why hasn't he called me yet? He said that he called me at the same time last night. I told him I didn't recall *sends me a screenshot of his FaceTime log to prove me wrong* and what do I see? A missed FaceTime call from his EX back in March no, her number wasn't saved, but I remembered her area code ''just in case'', and this day was that ''just in case day''. He said he doesn't know why she called him. I said okay, I'll find out for myself. At this point, I was over it. *shoots her a text. My thing is if you aren't still ''answering ''and ''entertaining'' why are they still calling?! My intentions weren't to ruffle any feathers. ( I also asked for permission to be in her space.) (I know some of y'all are thinking, why are you confronting her and not him? Who said you couldn't confront both? There are rules to this shit? There are two sides to every story right? I wanted both.)

She said she hadn't spoken to him in a minute. She gave me the exact response he did. I felt okay, maybe he wasn't bluffin'...plus if he was hiding something wouldn't he delete it? She then texts me saying it's weird that I am hitting her up now as if she was expecting to hear from me, it then got interesting. I asked her was it okay if we spoke over the phone because sometimes text messages give conversations a different tone. Although she agreed to partake in this ''WOMEN TO WOMEN'' conversation it then felt as if I was having a conversation with a child who wasn't happy after I said ''put that back I'm not buying it.'' While we spoke she threw things in the mix like I was ''talking'' to him while they were dating... for a second I thought uh, are we in the middle of remaking the ''The Boy Is Mine'' video? Absoulutelyf*ckingnot.

I could honestly say, I NEVER DEALT WITH ANYONE WHO HAD SOMEONE.

I know what it's like to be hurt and I would NEVER want to see another woman hurt because I helped partake in a man's wrongs. As corny as it sounds it's just not me. NO woman deserves to be ''half-assed'' anything. It almost sounded as if she couldn't stand something she had already become. NOWADAYS it seems like every woman wants to speak on women empowerment, women being the future and women being supportive of other woman but I wonder where does all that energy go when it comes to men? Why are we like this over them? This conversation became exhausting. She was too busy dwelling and trying to put two and two together but that was partially my fault, I gave her room to roam...she felt comfortable. Truth is I didn't see her as a threat. I just felt like she didn't respect my space and that is what bothered me...

The next day I woke up and I received this long paragraph from her that ended it ''ask your man about his business trip in February.'' (Yup, she went there, and YES, THIS N*GGA DID.) She said everything she needed to say without actually saying it. I responded with the sweetest read I could send over and said ''thanks, but I already knew...have a blessed day.'' No, he didn't tell me, but I knew she would be LIVID, in which she was because it went from that bold text message to her wanting to call me to clear up what she had said.

She almost resurfaced the OLD ME, but I kept my word, I wasn't about to verbally fight with her, as the old saying goes ''be prepared for what you ask for'.' And I was....kind of... Truthfully, my intuition told me when it happened. I just chose not to listen. (Yes, I just admitted that I ignored my intuition, which is something you should NEVER do. Ladies, your INTUITION is in the business of ''exposing f*ckery '' for FREE FOR A REASON! Debrena Gandy said it best, ''your body is a communication tool.'' She also mentioned that A Course in Miracles tells us '' the body is beautiful or ugly, peaceful or savage, helpful or harmful, according to the use to which it is put.'' In my case my body was helping me but I didn't want to believe that the guy in which I spoke highly of, treated right, and loved would step out on me because of the lack of understanding the way that I felt about his EX or maybe the fact that he understood but didn't care because of his OWN selfish ass reasons. And no, things weren't always so peachy but how dare you?

WAS IT WORTH IT N*GGA?!

I couldn't cry... I felt completely numb. I hated everything about him... everything I envisioned with him became a blur...I wanted him to feel my body aches, I wanted to hurt him the way that he hurt me, I wanted to handle this in the pettiest way possible, ''CHEAT BACK'' and then tell him ''good, now that the score is even what's for lunch?'' But deep down I knew that ''revenge'' wasn't the answer... I honestly didn't know what I wanted. I just couldn't believe he had the audacity.

My therapist: So how did you handle him? My response: What do you mean? I "Joseline Hernandez" his ass.

We both laughed... I wasn't sure if she knew what I was talking about but we had a moment.. ha. but on a serious note as I told her and now sharing with you guys I pictured things ending differently between him and I. Yes, I was hurt but besides the feeling of anger and frustration I couldn't shake the good. The ending didn't look like this. But Roz, he cheated. Yes, he did cheat '', and I allowed my emotions to almost met him there, but in that moment that I almost did it changed the way I let pain change me. In this case, it would be fair to use that an excuse for my actions or in his case but the truth is as adults we have to learn to control these emotions that lead us to things we shouldn't be doing. By taking accountability for our own shit and pointing at ourselves.

I found myself confiding in a friend, an very attractive male friend of mines that made me realize that two wrongs don't make a right. I found myself throwing myself onto him and I received the most heartfelt reality check I needed in that moment. He told me exactly what I didn't want to hear but needed for the sake of self. '' Roz, I love and have a lot of respect you. You are just talking because you are hurt... "look, I don't know your dude like that and yeah, he f*cked up bad but I don't think he's a bad guy from what I know. You guys just have to figure things out...'' two wrongs don't make a right, and he was right. I didn't know what else to say over the phone except for ''I am sorry'' and ''thank you''. I was too busy running from the truth instead of facing it.... bringing more bodies into this toxic space than I needed to at that time.

What I learned from all of this was that,
In the mist of this journey of transitioning, self-love and growth, there will be people in your life that remind you that you have to love yourself better and even harder than you THOUGHT. You have to rearrange seats in your life when necessary. You can thrive in toxic spaces if you choose to and however, you choose to is up to you. Always listen to your gut when it speaks to you, you aren't crazy or trippin' your body knows more than you think. Don't allow pain to change you into something you aren't. Cheating is a premeditated choice. Don't ever allow someone blame you or make you feel like you are the root of their actions because there's always a choice. On another note, people don't always cheat because they think the other person is ''better than,'' sometimes it's because of their own insecurities, being unsure of where they stand in that relationship that they are stepping out on, lack of communication, it's in their DNA, or because they just had the opportunity to have their ''EGO'' stroked. Either way, it isn't on YOU.

I found myself feeding a lot of the things I said I didn't value like making myself feel small to please others, or allowing myself to stoop to levels that I shouldn't have.

We ended up not breaking up after that one night stand he had with his EX, but we did give each other the space we needed to see if our relationship was worth patching up. Again, we weren't in that space of our relationship... so it was challenging to believe where we were. The ''pros'' list was longer than the ''cons'' list, and that's how I made my decision. I guess this situation was a way of the Universe challenging us by revealing the UGLY TRUTH... The process wasn't comfortable nor easy, but the discomfort was necessary. It helped us grow behind measures. It changed us both.

Yes, that conversation happened between her and I , but I don't regret it. We both had things we held onto... She believed she knew me and I wasn't so fond of her from what I learned about her through text messages. Although I felt like her aura was cheesy she wasn't my enemy.... I chose to forgive and let go. I chose not to let pain turn me bitter but better.

I am not sharing this to encourage women to stay with someone that betrays them or ''normalizing cheating'' or ''how to confront side chicks.'' I am sharing this because this is a part of MY STORY...I am not a reflection of others ''should'' agendas or motivations I am in control of who I am and my choices. Talk about freedom...

Feel free to take what you like, share, like & comment.